He loves me, he loves me not...

Fair warning:
In high school I was, put nicely... an enormous loser... I dated a girl, just because she was attractive and showed interest in me for four years straight, and I got shit on every second of those 1,460 days. Those sort of extremes create complexes, and yes I see myself as somewhat jaded, but I prefer "experienced".

Now that you know how big your grain of salt needs to be, continue reading...

Relationships happen for all the wrong reasons. Why do you think the divorce rate in this country is so high? I understand the human need for companionship, that makes perfect sense, however the same emotions that drive people toward wanting companionship also puts a choke hold on every healthy relationship in America.

To understand why relationships fail or succeed, you have to first look at what a relationship is.

Fire up dictionary.com and you will get this definition:

re·la·tion·ship   
[ri-ley-shuhn-ship] Show IPA
–noun
1. a connection, association, or involvement.
2. connection between persons by blood or marriage.
3. an emotional or other connection between people: the relationship between teachers and students.
4. a sexual involvement; affair.

Let us dig a bit deeper...

Why do people get into relationships? Figure that out, and you will have your answer...

I've done my research, and I think I have the answer, it rhymes with: People are afraid to be alone...

And for this reason, again put nicely, people settle. People get into relationships, and because that person fills the oh-so complex need of companionship your brain releases endorphins when you are close to that person. You mistake that feeling for what the academics term "love". Next step is marriage, and that is what I term "too late". You figured out that you have been tricked by your emotions.

Don't believe me? Good.

Think about the last boyfriend you had, not the person you are currently dating, but the one before that. Do the butterflies feel different? Probably not. People stop dating one person and start dating another because they discover a fundamental flaw(s) with that person. Or in ladder theory terms, you found someone better.

The people that always seem to sport the relationships that crash harder and faster than the stock market in 1987 are the same people that have the most "I am afraid to be alone" feelings.

My favorite character, is the girl that gets in and out of relationships all the time. You always see the little heart popping up next to their name on your news feed. Susie is in a relationship with douche bag #34, Susie ended her relationship with douche bag #34, Susie is in a relationship with douche bag #35, Susie ended her relationship with douche bag #35... you get the point.

The problem is that this insane skitzo (aka - girl) is afraid to be alone, is more inclined to settle, and I'd bet a handsome sum that she is probably insecure as well...

It was my roommate that brought me this lovely piece of sage wisdom:

"If you can't love yourself, then you can't be in love with other people"

This girl is a genius, and she is absolutely right, as most genius's are.

If you are scared to be alone, and just lock down the first guy you see walking down the street, that relationship is probably not going to end up being the next Disney film.

ANY guy in the world can fill the need of companionship, and every guy that plays his cards right at all, can extract those feelings from a girl. That does not mean that guy is right for that girl. The tables can turn both ways, but girls are typically more emotional than guys are, and that amplifies the feeling in women, hence why girls think they are dicked over by guys so much...

I should have been a psychology major...

Tonight's Show: Me feat. Frank Turner

There are all sorts of nights. Those nights that you go out with a friend to have a few drinks and call it early. The nights that you pre-game like you just saw the four horsemen and then drink like you aren't going to have to worry about the impending hangover when you sadly have to wake up for work the next day.

Then there are nights like last night...

The saddest part about yesterday was that I would have to wake up today and there is no way that I will be able to come close to the amount of epic that was the 6th of November, 2010.

I started the day off with my normal expectations on how my day should go (awesome). Ask any of my friends and they will all tell you I am up for anything, anywhere, anytime. I do not care about consequences, or having to deal with them, that is what God invented "later" for. With lots of luck, even you can survive living this lifestyle for a few years. Contingent on luck, You will not regret it. That mindset is what brought about this day, and it was one decision that changed the course of all events to come, shaping my entire night.

Now, at first I was just asked to go see a movie with a girl I am "talking" to. Whatever they call it these days. But, bottom line, I'm being a good boy, and respecting the numerous threats from her friends and family that if they see me with another girl ill be castrated on the spot without question nor trial. I'm not intimidated by her brother, who is the primary issuer of most of the threats on my life, but he is a good six inches taller then me, so there is a good bit of respect I have to dish out here.

It was sort of like a double date, BC (the girl), her brother (my murderer to be), and his wife (who I adore) all went out to see the movie Due Date. Basing my opinion off the trailer, which was a 10 second clip of Zack Galifianakis asleep and driving a car off a bridge, I went in with low expectations, but my boy, Robert Downy Jr. delivered as always. I have a new favorite movie.

We all walked over to the Starbucks nexts to the theater after the movie. The wife invited me to a free concert later that day at a venue downtown. Concerts are not really my scene, but drinking is, so taking about as much time as it would to blink I weighed my options and agreed to come.

Making my way downtown around 6, I already felt like I was late to drinking. Wife was waiting for me with Brother and Buddy (Wife's brother). Wasting no time I was greeted with a beer before I could even find a space to sit in the make shift living room that consisted of a TV about the size of my head and a couple stained couches. It had the feel of a frat house without the douche bag's and the posters of half naked girls.

BC immediately took the front as the topic of the night. I feel like, well, I am in a huge web of BC's friends and family, so it was no surprise to me that she came up as soon as she did. Buddy was my roommate for a while, whose sister is Wife that I became friends with, and her husband is Brother who, as mentioned earlier, is BC's brother. I know it's a mouth full, but the dynamic of relationships is important here, because Brother is far enough away from being in close ties with me that he would without hesitation chop off my head, suffering from zero remorse, and his wife bound by marriage would have to help him hide the body. Being that I was hardly a head's throw away from the Baltimore inner harbor, I felt like he could get away pretty clean, the polluted toxic water that makes up the harbor probably has bacteria in it that is unknown to man and I'm sure a few billion of them are probably the flesh eating breed that would dissolve my body in minutes.

This being the case, I bought him a token of peace once we arrived at the venue (beer). As soon as a man buys another man a beer, I feel like he at least has to give me a warning and a 3 second head start if he ever decides to, or has a strong urge to inflict bodily harm upon me.

Luckily, the focus shifted away from BC and toward the Band. I had never heard of the guy that was playing that night. Frank Turner was his name. I immediately grew to like him. He has sort of like a Jack Johnson meets Britain meets drinking songs. I love most of those things, and being a little drunk I pulled everyone to the front of the stage.

He gets through a few songs, and I am starting to like this scene. He asks for a volunteer. My hand goes up but I don't realize it. He points at me to join him on stage. I stare at him blankly, sort of shocked. He points at me again and this time I join him on stage.

This is awesome. I love being the center of attention and this is the creamy caramel center of attention!

Frank - "What's your name"
Me - "Tasty"
Frank - "Give it up for Tasty"

The crowd cheers. I throw my hands in the air. My heart races as I look over a good 300 faces all cheering for me. This must be what narcissistic heaven is like.

Frank - "You are pretty brave, you have no idea what you just volunteered for"
Me - "Nope, and I am drunk as hell, so throw whatever you've got at me"

He pulled a shiny object out of his pocket. It's a harmonica... Oh god, I have never played a harmonica before, and I am musically impaired, please do not ask me to play it.

Frank - "You know what this is?"
Me - "Looks like a harmonica"
Frank - "You know what you do with it?"
Me - "You blow"
Frank - "...and suck"
Me - "Right"

He points to the mic next to me, and informs me that I will not only be playing the harmonica with him during the next song, I will be playing a solo.

A band I have been listening to for maybe 15 minutes, a song I have never heard before in my life, holding an instrument I have never played, in front of hundreds of people, drunk as hell..

Perfect, let's go!

I take my spot in front of the mic. Not even remotely ready for what is going to happen next. A meteor could come crashing into the venue and I think I would be ok with it. My heart is pumping like I just ran a triathlon and then immediately did a line of cocaine off the stage.

I let my instincts take over. I take off my sweatshirt and throw it into the crowd, I hear a few more cheers (luckily Wife caught it, I like that jacket).

The song starts. (Right click here, open the link in a new window, then continue reading)

I feel like I need to contribute to the stage presence so I start to jump up and down and clap along with the song. Then a minute and five seconds later, felt more like a fort night, Frank shoots me a look and I press the harmonica against the mic and do as I was instructed. I start to suck and blow, expecting the worst.

Hold on... for some reason the sounds leaving the harmonica fit perfectly to the song. It was like RockBand for Xbox 360, and I was pushing all the right buttons.

My solo ends, and Wife tells me later she heard people muttering that I was actually really good.

I keep going after my solo is through. I am a prodigy after all, and I set myself up to finish strong, holding the last note as long as my intoxicated lungs could and slowly dip down on my knees.

Huge cheers break out, and I finally see the appeal of being a rock star.

Bro hug from Frank and I leave the stage, but not before he fed my ego one last little treat...

Frank - "That was by far the best harmonica solo I have ever heard"

Yeah, that is right Frank, don't you forget it.

As I walk back to my friends I get pats on the back, shoves (that I guess were shoves of encouragement... or jealousy) and high fives (from all the people that still do that at 25).

Now, on most nights my personal opinion of myself is usually pretty inflated. Tonight was like someone took my ego, and sent it into anaphylactic shock.

How could this night get any better?

Go see Daniel Tosh. We left the venue downtown, and headed straight to the Lyric Opera house where my friend had bought tickets for us months ago. Only Buddy and Wife came along for part 3.

Hours of laughing later.

Brother pisses off Wife, and it's only Buddy and I for part 4

We make our way to enjoy the best pizza in Baltimore City. A Greasy orgasm and the icing on the cake.

I get home. No DUI.

I lay down on my couch and close my eyes. Wondering why I live this insanely epic life and get away with it.

There are people in other countries that all they do is live, starve, and die. Or get eaten by a lion, or catch some easily curable disease and die from something that would take what a cup of coffee costs to prevent.

I can't believe I get away with this shit.

I love being me...

Never Graduate

I am on the Van Wilder plan.

I intend to be in college for as long as possible. Everyone I know that has graduated is miserable. The real world sucks.

As soon as you get a "real" job, if you are unhappy. Guess what?!? Too bad!

No matter how terrible life gets in college, you always have hope. Hope, because things can change.

If you hate your life after college, don't google how to tie a gallows knot just yet! You could always win the lottery.. I guess...

Bad decisions are so much fun, college provides me with ample opportunity to make those...

Why it Sucks to be Cute

According to an article I just read. The human brain associates the word "cute" with a billion different things.

That being said. Cute is common.

Common sucks. Why do people want diamonds? They're rare. You could get a nice ruby for a fraction of the price.

Keep that jawline sharp fellas!

Dont be a ruby... Rubies don't get laid...

Shit... What Was Your Name Again?

My friend is writing yet another piece, I have been approached to input some ideas on her topic: "Sex is to men, what attention is to women".

Men like sex. Men love sex. It is no mystery, and I am sorry, but it is not up for debate either. But what makes one girl different from the other? As I like to say "it's all pink on the inside". Once the lights are off and your liver is saturated with alcohol what is the big difference?

Why does John stop having sex with Susan and now want to have sex with Tiffany? Well, Susan probably started texting him everyday with stupid little smiley faces attached at the end of every sentence. Even her Hi's and Bye's had a <3 or :) lingering at the end for no reason. She is what has been coined as a stage 5 clinger.

Tiffany however flirts with John. He thinks he may have a chance, but isn't sure. There is that novelty there. The carrot on the end of the fishing pole, that is just out of reach. If she always gives him just enough attention to give him blue balls everytime she sees him, he'll keep coming back for more and more abuse.

But what happens when John's just can't stand being kicked in the balls any longer and he finally gives up on Tiffany?

Tiffany has a lovely condition I love to exploit known as female insecurity.

This phenomena basically states: A women seeks validation from men through the attention he gives her in his conquest for sex.

However it works both ways. A man also seeks validation through having sex with as many of the most attractive women he can.

You would think the two parts of that equation match up. However we are playing a zero sum game here, and it is all thanks to human nature at it's finest.

People want what they can't have. Women know this better than men.

So while Tiffany is only looking for attention (her validation) she also knows that what John wants is sex (his validation). She knows that once she has sex with him and receives his validation he may no longer need her. John would have his carrot and Tiffany would be left in the dust. Women will lead men on for essentially as long as the poor strappy fellow will put up with the psychological torment.

So, now that John is tired of having his balls look like he just t-bagged a member of the blue man group he has given up on Tiffany and starts talking to Susan again.

Susan who swore off John after he began following Tiffany around like a lion stalking a tasty gazelle, will gladly take him back because she wants to validate herself once again to prove she is prettier, smarter, sexier, yadda yadda yadda. Basically she wants to be better than Tiffany, who she thinks is a dumb slut.

Now Tiffany begins to ponder a few things...

1.) Why did John stop talking to me?
2.) Who is this Susan girl?
3.) Is she prettier than me?

No Tiffany she probably is not. But hey, she puts out!

Tiffany lost what use to validate her and protect her from her insecurities. She wants to prove there is no way Susan, who Tiffany thinks is a vicious whore, is prettier than her and she begins to up her game. She cuts the mild flirting and goes for the kill.

She is going to put out this time, if John wants to dance. And honestly, we have all seen this movie before, same plot everytime, just different actors.

When the man stops trying to pry open the gates they sort of just fall off the hinges.

When two people start "talking" we enter into trench warfare. It is a long grueling battle of attrition, and whoever steps out of the trenches first gets picked off faster than a pass thrown by Brett Farve.

There are always the skeptics though. I talked to a few of my friends to get their opinion on the matter. I weeded out the guys that have no clue what they are talking about, giving me:

"uhh, well yeah, you know, men are from mars and women are from, uh venus"

Ok, sage wisdom, but let's talk about something else before I start to hate you.

My one friend made a good point though:

"What about me, I never have sex" (which is sadly true.. nice guy too, which is probably his problem).

I made a better point:

If you had sex with a gorgeous girl, would you not feel great about it? If you were walking down Make Believe Lane with all your friends and you all cross paths with a hot girl that grabs you from the crowd, and takes you back to her place. Would you not feel like you were somehow above all your friends? I'm not saying you would walk out of her apartment, house, brothel, or wherever she may live and be a huge douche, but you'd have a new air about you, at least for a while.

Women are the same way. Women that receive a lot of attention from guys, act a certain way, talk a certain way, and you can just feel it when you get close to them. That is why some men just are automatically intimidated by a hot, well dressed, confident women. They know they already receive all the validation they need, and they start to question what they can really offer them.

Any guy can walk up to a fat girl and be confident about it. They know that their level of self esteem is statistically a bit lower. They are hungry for attention, and any attention they receive just goes that much further because they are starving for it. I hate using fat girls as an example here because there are so many better and more creative groups of people I could offend, but it gets the point across.

You've got to shit on the hotties, and show the fatties some love

I Throw my Hands up in The Air Sometimes!!! Saying AYOOO

Show of hands: Do you ever feel unusually good for no reason? Yeah, today is one of those days for me. Nothing particular happened.

Why can't I feel like this everyday? I think someone slipped opium into my coffee or I had one too many poppy seed bagels.

Whatever!

I'm not going to skip class today, rather I'll be skipping to it!

Don't try and stop me...

Attractiveness: Swimming in The Shallow End

I don't consider myself to be too shallow. Even though It's fun to swim in the kiddie pool every once in a while. Sometimes I just want to wade in a few inches of water, and boy does that water feel nice and warm, but then you realize you're swimming in piss, and the luxury wears off.

There is a definite correlation between looks and personality. I like a fine balance. Unfortunately, I can't have sex with your interesting stories or your college education, so attractiveness does play a huge role. But for some reason girls that have enormous tits and a fake tans didn't feel the need to develop a personality at any point in their life. If you're a pile of bricks, and a pretty pile of bricks, I have no problem fucking you, but don't for a second think I'm bringing you home to mom.

Maybe I am asking too much. Can you sport personality, charm, and looks? While some people peg me as a "player" I prefer "guy-who-refuses-to-settle-but-doesn't-mind-enjoying-the-ride".

College is fun...

Dumb Girl: "I have tons of guy friend" ...LOL

My friend (when she read this she immediately pointed out the irony of how I started this post, but don't worry, I'll explain) who writes for an online newspaper recently requested thoughts for the new article she plans on writing. The classic "can girls and guys be friends" debate. Being that this is my absolute favorite subject in the world and for a chance to have my thoughts published in something people will actually read I jumped on the opportunity to input my narcissistic thoughts:

No.

It is impossible. With a few exceptions:

1.) The guy is gay
2.) The guy is friends with a girl by association
3.) The guy does not find the girl attractive at all

When guys and girls first meet they subconsciously rate each other. We do this automatically, whether we realize it or not. Look at two random pictures of two random girls and you'll automatically pick the more attractive one as the one you'd rather be making breakfast for the next morning.

However, that is just one piece of the pie. Guys rate girls off of a few different variable, and those variables usually consist of attractiveness, how quick they think she will put out, and a couple other things that do not really matter because if the girl is hot enough we tend to not care if you're interesting.

Girls have a much different rating system. It is still based off of attractiveness, but women also look for security. Which is a fancy word for money. This scale is all relative in the sense that a 16 year old's sense of security will be different than a 28 year old's sense of security, but money is a factor none the less.

This is the first thing I am usually challenged on. My sister had her friend over one night (while she still lived with me). I was actually preparing a presentation on this exact topic. She started to inquire about what I was working on and I explained it to her. She immediately brought up the argument that she dated a "poor artist" and there is no way she cares about money if this is true. I laughed for a few minutes, dried the tears in my eyes, and went on to explain why I was right. The conversation went something like this:

Girl- "I dated a poor artist, so I obviously don't care about money."
Me - "You're 16 right?"
Girl - "Uhh yeah"
Me - "Does he have a car?"
Girl - "Yeah, a Mazda"
Me - "Can he buy beer?"
Girl - "Yeah, he has a really good fake ID"
Me - "Well, that's all you really care about at this age, until you hit your late 20's you won't exactly be looking for a CEO driving a BMW"

If you're still not convinced, ask yourself this: If you were dating a great guy, but you lost him in a room full of clones, and all they had on them was their bank account statements. Which one would you take home? Case closed.

Next question.

Why do I say attractiveness is the base of the rating systems? Well, that is simple. When you see a guy from across the room you don't think that maybe that guy can fill your life with lots of intellectually stimulating conversation, you check out him out. "Eye fuck the shit out of him" if you will.

If you see a girl at a bar, are you nudging your friend next to you saying "Dude, wing me really fast, I think that girl and I could have an amazing conversation about politics". Nope, it's more like "fuck, that girl is hot, I want to stick my P in her V".

Now, that you understand how girls and guys rate each other. Let's review what happens next...

Let's now turn our attention to the player, and the hopeless romantic.

The player.
He is your typical alpha male. Pumped full of hormones and Redbull. He knows how to play his cards right. He talks to a girl in hopes of having sex with her at some point. One of three things will happen at this point:

1.) She is attractive, and she thinks he is attractive. They will eventually sleep together
2.) She is attractive, but she thinks he is unattractive, but a nice guy. He will hopefully pick up on this quickly or will end up spending his evenings eating Ben n' Jerry's ice cream, watching reruns of the hills, and hearing all about the guys she actually wants to date/fuck.
3.) She is unattractive. He does not even approach her in the first place.

I have approached unattractive girls before. But they are the last ones on my list to call. Most of the time they just end up signing the attendance sheet for classes I don't feel like going to and taking notes in said classes. The only reason I bring that up, is because one of those very special girls just texted me. I get girl's numbers almost instinctively now. It comes as natural to me as breathing, and I'll forget to breathe before I leave empty handed. However, sometimes my filtration system is not working up to par or I am too tired to notice her double chin. But it's all good. Everyone has a purpose.

The hopeless romantic.
This is the guy you typically see in Nicolas Sparks movies. He is charming, but has no foul intentions with girls. If he talks to you he intends to sweep her off her feet every chance he gets and bla bla bla the crap Disney shoves down your throat.

More or less an exaggeration, but you get the point: his sex drive is not his first focus. The scenarios that play out with this guy are as follows:

1.) He meets a girl, she is attractive, and she finds him attractive. He does not care to have sex with her necessarily (although he would) he just gets her number and moves on. They go out together, meet up for drinks, and continue talking. He begins to find her more and more interesting. He starts to fall in "love" and makes his move. Lucky for this guy, she finds him attractive too. They date and eventually they have sex.
2.) He meets a girl, she is attractive, and she finds him unattractive. He does not care to have sex with her necessarily (although he would) he just gets her number and moves on. They go out together, meet up for drinks, and continue talking. He begins to find her more and more interesting. He starts to fall in "love" and makes his move. But this time, she does not find him attractive, and she says she would rather just stay "friends". After the feelings he has developed for this girl that would be impossible, and now you have that awesome awkward tension that fills up every room you two coexist in.
3.) She is unattractive, but still for some reason approaches her anyways (maybe she has a hot friend). He will eventually meet an attractive girl and this girl will take the back seat, or maybe thrown in the trunk if she fits. This is the exception in which guys and girls can be friends, but they are the first ones laid off when the company makes cut backs, out in dodge ball, and cut from the team.

It does not matter if you take "A" street or "B" street you always end up at "sex" street. Friendship road just has too many potholes, its been closed since the dawn of time.

However, guys and girls can be friends by association. If my buddy were to start dating a girl, as long as she is not a total bitch I would probably be nice to her. That does not mean I want to hang out with her. In fact I would never see her unless my friend decided to drag her along every when we hang out. Once they were to break up, she is dead to me.

If you are a guy and you debate any of what I have just said. You're most likely a bitch. You probably never get laid, and you're just making poor excuses for yourself. Learn to play your cards right, and you'll have to clean your toilet bowl a lot less often and probably have a lot more clean pairs of socks laying around.

If you're a girl and you argue this well you're probably normal. But last time I gave this presentation I laced my introduction with "all the girls in this class will probably disagree". But it turns out that the hottest girls were the ones that backed me up. One even said "you're totally right, I meet tons of guys and I think everything is fine then they always end up blowing up my phone asking me out, and once I turn them down I usually don't hear from them again". Think about it ladies, is that you?

Some say once you are in the friend's zone there is no going back. I disagree. I have found a small hole in the friend prison and I recently made a break for it with a girl I knew in high school. We were great "friends" in high school and I was that guy eating Ben n' Jerry's and watching the Hills. We didn't have sex, but whatever, since I last saw her became a devote christian, and what we did last night was definitely a grand slam in christian baseball.

Well without further ado, the secret formula:

Cut off all communication with girl + Change everything about yourself + 1 or 2 years = another shot at happiness

If you are "friends" with a girl you're madly in love with, keep reminding yourself it's better than nothing... sucker...

You Throw Enough Pickles at a Wall One of Them is Bound to Stick

I keep a rotation of girls going at all times. It prevents me from looking too needy and all in all I never have to go a night without sex.

My hoe hierarchy consists of about 3 girls, but sometimes i'll keep one on the back burner in case someone on my first string line up gets injured.

Sometimes things can get messy, but I'm a professional, and if you can't talk your way out of sticky situations then this game is not for you. Don't get your dick caught in the door on the way out.

Anyone can get laid, and honestly I am tired of the excuses I hear. It's all about persistence, confidence, and playing your cards right.

The thing most guys do wrong is they don't cast out enough lines. I'm not talking about pick up lines. In fact, if you use those find the nearest intersection and lay down in the center of it. You have a better chance of getting a pity fuck once you're paralyzed and drinking your Natty Bo through a straw.

I'm talking about merely meeting as many women as possible. Whether you just say hi or actually have something witty to say to them, you'll end up with a lot more when it's all said and done if you don't just let them pass by so you can steal a cheap glance at their ass.

Also guys, cut the needy shit. If any girl thinks she has a stage 5 clinger on their hands you'll get dropped faster than a class at a community college. If you are blowing up their phones every hour of the day updating them on every shit you take and every sandwich you eat they are going to think you're too easy, and they will start thinking they can definitely do better. Which is probably the correct assumption if you are stooping to that level. Make sure they want you more than you want them, play it cool.

Another common mistake I see a lot is guys tend to filter themselves. Say what you want! If she can't take a joke then she's probably a boring prude anyways. Don't be a jackass and tell her that her tits look nice this evening, but if you want to say something a little facetious go ahead, just say it with a smile and they'll probably chalk it up as a joke and laugh. That's a good thing.

I want to end this post with an important point. Don't play girls. I don't do what I do to get a cheap lay. I'm truly looking for a nice wholesome girl, but I live in a hollow town. It's full of girls, and most of them are really attractive, but they are all shells, empty shells. The lights are on but no one is ever home.

Sorry, but I think I'll pass, next...

If It Weren't For All The Dumb Sluts And Alcohol

Professor: [makes a point]
Me: [rasies hand, gets called on, makes BETTER counter point that doesn't involve psychology...]
Professor: [blank stare] "this is not a psychology class"
Me: "good point"

I've never taken a finance class. First day of class and I have already shut down my dumb twat of a professor. I couldn't really tell from her witty and "on point" comeback, but I think she likes me.

It would be nice if professors actually knew what they were talking about. When you teach a lecture on true value versus perceived value you should probably know what both of those things mean and not just copy and paste a Wikipedia page into a PowerPoint presentation ten minutes before class starts.

College is the most worthless institution in the world. It is structured entirely wrong for what this decade has come to offer us. Information was at one point scarce. The teacher had the information, and the value of college was instilled in the presentation of this information, and the value of a college graduate was in his ability to memorize and utilize this information.

With the creation, development, and massive growth of the internet you can get everything a college education offers for $29.99 a month. ($99 a month if you want the television and phone package, but let's be real)

If you ask me a question I could probably get you the answer in three minutes give or take a minutes (my computer may be turned off). Information is so abundant these days that I have to ask: where is the real value in college?

I am a believer in education not college. The ability to learn is the greatest gift granted to mankind, and to squander that gift is a fool's mistake, but our system is backwards. College has become a business, and a pool of sexually transmitted diseases, not a place of learning.

Do not take me the wrong way. I love college, but more for the giant state supported brothel that is a college campus. And as long as I am in college I can go to bars every night of my life, drink as much alcohol I want straight from a keg and no one can tell me I have a problem. However, sinking myself into an abyss of debt just doesn't seem worth it.

Everyday I sit in classes with professors that I know are only there because they "couldn't do". The only people who want to teach are kindergarten teachers, because they "love kids", and who doesn't want a job where nap time is encouraged. College professors are the wide majority that "couldn't do" so they teach. Why would I ever want to pay top dollar so that I can learn from the worst of the best?

We need a structure that supports learning fundamental skills that strengthen our ability to gather information then interrupt, analyze, present, and utilize this information. What is the difference between me and a chemistry major once we graduate? It's simple. I have read more finance text books than him and he has read more chemistry textbooks.

Oh, and I had sex with girls, while he did their homework. Anyways, the smartest people I know never went to college. College does not make you smart. It's the ability to gather and work with data and information mixed with ambitions that sets people apart.

The richest and most successful people I know never went to, or dropped out of college. Just something to think about...

It's already noon and I haven't had anything to drink yet, got to run!

Having a Girlfriend in College Sucks... Other Guys

"So i have a boyfriend now, and i hate that i'm texting this, buttt i want you and not him. Kind of abrupt? hahah i'm sorry."

What a way to polish off my Tuesday night.

The problem with women, well one problem with women, is they try and control men with sex. Which leads to a conflict of interest between the two parties. Women tend to:

1) Rope guys in by dangling their vagina on some metaphorical fishing pole as you chase them, keeping the prize just out of reach. They're smart in realizing people only want what they can't have. If they like you they will hold out until you commit, date them, and ultimately become their bitch. If you're an asshole, they'll probably just fuck you and be on their way. This is my stop, all nice guys stay on the bus and move right along to number 2.

2) Once they have you on lock down (what most people call dating) if they want to push things to the next level (being "serious" - possible candidate for marriage) you'll get just about as much as you want. You don't even have to set your alarm clock, she'd be happy to felate your morning wood as soon as the sun rises. This gives the wrong impression, onto number 3.

3) Marriage - the absence of sex. They have you sign legally binding documents that make you the biggest douche bag in the world if you even have thoughts about another women.

See how it works? No sex to as much as sex as you want to no sex at all.

When I pursue a girl, I try not to move past phase one. The problem is sometimes girls find me interesting. Want me to commit to phase two, and the battle of "who can hold out the longest" begins. This is where my rule of 3 and 2 comes in. Unfortunately I can't reveal that, it could be too much power in the wrong hands.

The funny part about this conflict though is it really only makes them want me more. Anyone can do this too. Act as aloof as possible and you'll look like heroine to a recovering drug addict.

I knew this girl would not have sex with me unless I was her boyfriend and to be quite frank she was not the brightest crayon in the box. She definitely was nothing special. I hung out with her, but acted pretty uninterested. Mostly because I was.

My point is don't lock yourself down to one girl, unless she has that "wow factor" that I have yet to find. At least while you're in college. You miss out on a ton of fun. The next time that gorgeous girl sitting across from you at the library gives you a sexy wink... you'll know what I mean.

And who knows the girl that sent me that text last night could be YOUR girlfriend...

What This Country Needs More Than a New President

Natural selection is insurance against a species extinction. A few slow, stupid, deformed creatures have to perish, but all in all its for the greater good. They understand.

We are a diluted species, still nothing can kill us. We are impervious to anything this world can throw our way. Even if you were above us on the food chain a few million years ago, you can forget about the sweet taste of human flesh. Even our sickest, weakest, and dumbest can probably still operate a fire arm, or at least lock their door.

This country needs an intervention. I stumbled upon this realization while I was driving through Delaware yesterday. Place looked like a trailer park that got way to big so they made it a state. It's a paradise for all the white trash that couldn't stand paying Maryland sales tax and got tired of looking at people who had two story houses.

I suddenly felt bleak and depressed by the fact that these people not only exist, they can vote!

Then it hit me like 3 pounds of pure uncut cocaine. This country needs a zombie epidemic! It takes wit, ingenuity, and a 32 inch waist to survive a zombie outbreak, and I saw none of that while I was in Delaware.

Since raw Darwinism isn't quite working anymore we have to resort to Natural Selection 2.0

That might get messy... Let's just impeach Obama...

The Older You Are, The Harder They Fall

I noticed something the other day. It's rather obvious and a really well known fact of life, however, I feel like it helps explain a lot of what has been happening to me lately.

Girls love older men.

Women look for security in and about their relationships. Older men are able to provide that security. Lucky for us, it is all relative, and case by case. 18 year old girls love guys who can buy beer, has a nice job (in this case he might manage a snowball stand or "model" for Hollister), and access to a car. But as they get older, and let's take my age for example (22), they start searching for someone with more conventional wealth. A nicer car, promising job at Morgan Stanley, and a sweet pad will do the trick. These are things 25 or 26 year olds are sporting. Not me.

I always wondered why it was so difficult for me to break girls my age but every 18 or 19 year old I hooked up with couldn't resist me. I know I'm charming, but shit, have some self respect.

My friend's mom of all people brought it together for me. I always complained about how hard it was for me to get action from all the bars in town. I mean I pull it off, but some girls look at me like I told them I have full blown aids when they hear I haven't graduated from college yet. I'm barely 22, if that makes me a horrible person wait until you hear a few of my other stories.

When I'm 25 it won't even be fair, resistance will be futile, but for now it's an uphill climb. If I want an easy go, I have two options. Any single woman over 30 or any girl under 19.

Women over 30 are already established and have the security they need to live a "comfortable life". Either they have a steady job, a good career, or they divorced their first/second/third husband and get floated a fat check every month. When they go to bars they are looking for a "good time", they would use match.com if they were looking for anything serious. They know that men in their early 20's can't control themselves and are slaves to the copious hormones coursing through their bodies. We become an easy target.

Girls under 19 are just dumb. I don't have acne, I go to the gym a few times a week, I own my own business, and I have a car. Plus, I can buy beer, huge bonus right there. I go to any high school party I will always, as long as Robert Pattinson doesn't show up, have my pick of the litter.

Probably should watch out for Justin Bieber as well.

So Deep in The Closet I'm Having Adventures in Narnia

I was about to go to sleep, but I'm trying to keep up with writing everyday.

I was on the phone talking to my best friend today. Since I moved back up north, we usually talk about 6 times a day, keeping each other posted on everything we see, hear, smell, or do without each other. Most "best friends" get to a point where they complete each other's sentences, we straight up read each other's thoughts before they even start to develop into sentences.

People get weirded out by this. Fuck them, they're jealous.

The other day we were at lunch with two of our other friends. The waitress was taking forever, so I started thinking about something, off in my own world. As much as I like to be the center of attention and the energy of the group sometimes my mind wanders. I was searching for a word. For the life of me I could not figure it out and since I didn't actually care enough to Google it on my iPhone, I contracted help from the rest of the group,

Me - "what's the... bead calculator they..."
Sebastien - "abacus"

That's not the impressive part. The other two stared at me from across the table waiting for me to complete my thought. Then without any effort Sebastien (my best friend's alias) casually completed the entire thought for me,

"The waitress is taking forever so he's thinking she is probably using an abacus to split up all the checks"

If this did not happen every day of my life I would have chalked it up to a luck shot.

Bitches come and go... Sebastien is everlastn'

A Great Way to Lose Weight, If You're Not Already Fat

What have I been wasting my time in bars for?

I just got into rock climbing earlier this summer. At first I sucked. It was less of me climbing and more of someone using a pulley system to hoist me until I was dangling 50 feet in the air. Which is kind of gross because I had 105 pound girls scaling right past me.

I'll die in a grease fire before I let a girl be better than me at anything.

I kept at it and in a matter of just a few visits back to the wall I was ok. I did not completely suck which I'm told was progress.

I slowly started to realize rock climbing is the perfect sport. Why? Oh, its so simple.

Fat people can't climb! By people I mean girls. And by can't I mean I don't want you to. I invite all the fat guys in the world to attempt to rock climb, I'll get a good laugh when you fall and your fat ass looks like a wrecking ball coming in for the final blow. Maybe you'll dent the wall and leave a nice feature I can use next time I climb and make it more than 4 feet off the ground. Too bad you didn't make it to the top, that's where I put all my left over bacon cheeseburgers.

Enough of that, I'm being mean.

You only see cut sexy girls at the wall. Hour glass bodies without the I'm-a-huge-twat-who-has-a-personality-about-as-fake-as-my-tits sort of attitude. Which is nice, because even girls that are nice to look at usually end up being difficult to talk to. That's why I find it so hard to be friends with girls. Not because I just want to bang them, but they say the dumbest things and I feel like the only way to get them to shutup is to stick my dick in one of their holes. People call it sex, I call it making the best out of my situation.

However, through some stroke of luck these girls found a hobby, which means they know how to talk about something besides how their last boyfriend/hookup/dude they thought was a "nice guy" just fucked their best friend.

Keep that self esteem low girls

The Best/Worst/Drunkest Year of my Life

I lived with three girls for a year. Probably the most confusing, exciting, and drunk year of my life.

When I was renting a house out for what should have been my junior year of college I decided to change things up a bit. I had always lived with guys. Guys that were disgusting, lacking self esteem, and pretty much just smoked a lot of pot.

I figured girls were different. And if they weren't I could at least alleviate some of the stress by having sex with them.

So, I went on my school's website, clicked on the housing section and found tons of students looking for places to live for the year. I, one by one, facebooked the entire list and arranged them by physical appearance. Screw you, if you think I am shallow. I am going to have to look at my roommates and see their stupid faces for an entire year. I want them to be easy on the eyes.

I finally selected two and went with it. The third was a referral from a girl I hooked up with in D.C. She sounded energetic on the phone, but when I saw her facebook profile picture I immediately purchased a separate fridge to put my food in. I stuck her in the basement and the other two girls upstairs with me. I took the master because I'm stronger than them and I really left them no choice.

At first it was great. We all got drunk together, I hooked up with one, ended up fucking the other. And let me tell you, there is nothing better than being about to beat off. Looking at the room across the hall. Knocking on the door, and immediately be greeted with a "want to fuck?".

Then things got complicated. A love triangle formed.

The one I was fucking started to "have feelings for me"
The one I wasn't fucking started to "have feelings for me"
I had "feelings" (or as I like to call it, my moment of weakness) for the latter bitch

I guess that is less of a triangle and more of a poorly designed bi-pod, but I digress.

However, human nature is what it is. As soon as I broke things off with the girl I was fucking (let's call her Jess) to be with the girl I was not fucking (let's call her Bertha, only because I currently hate her) she started to act weird. She did not want a relationship or sex and the only time I could have fucked her ended with me being a nice guy and we all know how that story goes (hint: last place).

DUMB.

So Jess ends up punching a wall, and I end up taking her to the ER, and my fucktastic time is over. Bertha (don't let the fake name fool you, she was pretty hot) ruined one of the greatest things I had going for me. I had gotten to a point where masturbation was obsolete, but she had to be a jealous twat. Don't get me wrong, I love it when girls fight over me, but all I was left with in the end was a hole in my wall, and a giant pair of blue balls.

I hope she contracts guanherpesiphaids (A combination of the STDs guanaria, herpes, siphallis and aids)

Stop Talking.. You Sound Stupid

There is one thing you never want to get into an argument with me over, and that would be food. Whether it is "who is going to get the last slice", "why do you fold your pizza in half", or "do you really only make pizza references?". It's asking for trouble. I won't hesitate to deliver a solid kidney shot straight to your front porch.

Get the image of the typical overweight untrimmed narcissist American out of your head. I'm 6'2", 185 pounds, and I have a gym membership card attached to my key chain. (On second thought, I'm super narcissistic)

I just love to cook. Besides helping me get laid, its a skill that makes my food taste like an orgasm on the beach and I have come to perfect it. Life would not be worth living without food.

Which is exactly why I went off on a girl today who insulted one of the most perfect culinary creations of all time: the chicken wing

Me - [mentions all you can eat wing night]
Girl - OMG. I want wings!!! As long as they are boneless. I love wings!!!
Me - Boneless?!? thats blasphemy.. You don't like wings (delicious, tender, and deep fried to perfection). You are thinking of chicken nuggets (processed garbage coated in stale bread crumbs).
Girl - You can get boneless wings. I get them at Buffalo Wild Wings. I don't like the bones because I don't like dark meat. I also don't like the bloody veins or whatever. Eww. And, the boneless are easier to eat!!
Me - There is no such thing. Since your mother obviously thought it was okay to put Jack Daniels in your bottles, I'll try and make this simple for you.

Logic:
Chickens have wings
All wings have bones in them
Chicken wings have bones

Chicken nuggets are glorified chicken wings. They disguise themselves in wing sauce and try to live up to the magnificent miracle of life that is the chicken wing. I am clever enough to not get suckered by their deceitful games..

She'll be lucky if I put out tonight..

Happy Hour

I'm not the least bit inspired by statistics. I would rather felate a loaded gun then sit through another second of this class.

The class I am currently in is ECON 205. For those of you with GED's, that means I paid money to be ruthlessly tortured.

This is my 4th attempt. I stopped coming to this class through 3 consecutive semesters, stopping half way through each time. After getting dealt the "foreign teacher who got his citizenship 5 minutes before the class started" card 3 times in a row I gave up. I dropped out of school. It was a rash move, I know that. However, I was young and stupid. I am a year older now, and in my very finite wisdom I have returned.

I want a beer