The Infamous Condom Hand-off

Everyman needs a wingman, I don't care how awesome you think you, there are just too many potholes on the very bumpy road to Pun Town, and it's a very beautiful feeling to be a member of Triple A.

However, it takes a very special someone to operate the way Sebastian and I do. There are Elite Black Ops Teams that can't pull off the stunts we perform under the pressure of enemy fire.

Example:
Girls - are you guys twins?
Sebastian - of course!
Me - fraternal...

There is never any of that looking at each other trying to guess what the other is going to say, its all creepily telepathic. However, there are times, where we really just impress ourselves.

One night we were out at the bar. It was me, Sebastian and his cousin. I met a girl, and she was with her friend Model. Girl, Sebastian, Cousin, and I drank as I watched Model get hit on endlessly by a barrage of guys that were lining up to buy her a drink.

As the night went on, I picked up "the vibe" from Girl. "The vibe" is when she laughs at everything you say, and her hands aren't holding just her vodka cranberry anymore.

I was unprepared for this, and sent Sebastian on a covert ops mission with Cousin. The objective was simple: get condoms, and somehow deliver the package without Girl seeing.

Last call came rather quickly, and Sebastian had yet to return. We all moved outside, and things got tricky, at this point it would be a little more difficult for Sebastian to just pull me aside and do a quick hand-off. Then I saw him and Cousin approaching. I always felt like this is one of those you had to be there moments, so I'll paint a little word picture for those who lacked the fortune of witnessing this.

My back was facing the street, Girl's back was facing the bar, Sebastian and Cousin were approaching from my 9 o'clock / Girl's 3 o'clock, and Model was off somewhere with a guy who was probably tying to pump one last drink into her.

As Sebastian was finishing up the last three steps on his approach, I dropped my left hand to my side, raised my right hand while holding my phone to ask Girl for her number, the instant she was distracted Sebastian walked by my 6 o'clock. I twisted my hips just enough to give Sebastian some cover, and without even looking down at my hand, he made a flawless hand-off while turning his back to me to face Cousin, as if nothing happened. Our hands connected without either of us looking, the package was passed off to me, and I was able to easily drop it into my back pocket. Even though he handed me like 7 of them (I guess he thought I was feeling really ambitious).

I could not have PLANNED it better. Those could have been MI6 top secret government files on condom shaped flash drives, and James Bond would have missed it.

The only reason I was inspired to tell this story, was the fact that Cousin was beyond words, and was infinitely impressed. I personally did not think anything of it, it was just another normal night for us.

We would make a great recon sniper team...

GTL

I love checking myself out in the windows of cars. I always look super jacked. Everyone in car window world must work out all the time.













This is what I get when I Google "car windows". A bunny on a trampoline! Oh that's priceless...

Sixes Can Really Make You Appreciate An Eight

Life is certainly relative. One thing is only cold because something is hot. And once you turn your stove's burner to high and stick your hand straight in there, it's hard to find something hotter. Once you reach that new high, everything else just feels cold.

As soon as I ate that first bite of a Five Guys burger I was torn with emotion, I was so angry when I realized I had been eating nothing but cow lard my whole life, but ecstatic I found the nirvana of hamburger meat. Five Guys was my new bench mark, and every other burger I would ever eat would have to go head to head with this new found glory. This burger ruined any chance of me enjoying another burger again unless it could top these new found standards. It's a serious catch 22.

Secrets ruined bars for me, How I Met Your Mother ruined television for me, V-necks ruined clothing for me, Daniel Tosh ruined standup comedy for me, Call of Duty ruined video games for me, Sex ruined video games for me, 10 ruined 9's for me...

Chivalry R.I.P.

Chivalry is pretty damn dead...

Chivalry is like a 1992 Geo Prizm with 198,000 miles on it. Not highway miles, cold hard city miles.

If it works, it'll only work sometimes, and in the very rare event that you can get it to start up, it's just a matter of time before it dies. It'll probably make it a couple miles up the road, then it's a long, sad, shameful walk home.

Assholes finish first...

First The Toilet Seat, Now This?

Why do I have to hold the door for you?

Chivalry is long dead, and before I get maced to death by feminists, let me clear something up: this message is for everyone!

Now, I'll hold the door for my date, call me old fashion... But I'm trying to get laid.

However, our social standards for door holding have gotten out of control. Sebastian and I almost got knifed at a Five Guys yesterday, and our only crime was that we walked through a threshold.

A fat stubby old lady who obviously hates herself, this world, and all of its wonderful creatures was about to walk out of said Five Guys as we were making our approach. We made it to the door first, which in any normal race would be considered a win, but instead of recognition and trophies, we got a "hey fuck you" glare as we walked in the Five Guys letting the door swing shut behind us. Sorry we forgot to roll out the red carpet and valet your car, but we are hungry and we don't give a shit about you... at all... Why didn't your loving troll of a husband dive in front of the 7 foot tall revolving pane of glass and steel to protect you from having to lift your flabby arms past your mouth?

He may care about her, but 2 slices of cow fat on a kaiser roll wins this fight every single time!

If she and a Five Guys cheeseburger were both hanging by my arms dangling thousands of feet above a rocky basin and absolutely certain guaranteed death. And I could easily pull them both up, saving both her life and the Five Guys cheeseburger...

I would quickly let go of her just in time to catch that one sauteed mushroom that always breaks loose from the burger when you pick it up for that first life changing bite!

And I would sleep just fine that very night.

Moral of the story: Eat more Five Guys! Fat girls are overrated...

The Good, The Bad, And The Rapture

Bad news: I missed out on all the rapture parties
Good news: we get to have another one!

Great news: Harold Campings is going to have to drink kool aid all by himself now

Ohhh Yeahhhh!!!!

HELP! We Tried To Mug Him!

A guy I knew was jumped the other day.

Three black guys came out of no where and tried to take his money. The usual Baltimore city special, except they fucked with the wrong retard.

Yes, my friends, there is definitely something wrong with this kid. And I'm not sure if it's God's way of protecting his most fragile creatures or the steroids in their medications, but retards sure are strong!

Lucky for him the US military didn't pick up on his gimpy walk or the fact he probably can't even point out Iraq on a map much less spell it, and made him a marine.

Mix retard strength with the killing power of a US marine, and you have Bitty.

Bitty, had brusies all over his body, giant welts that look like a gorilla beat him with a cast iron baseball bat. However, his face still had that shiny autistic grin on it, without a single scratch, or a single bruise on either of his mis-aligned cheek bones.

See, Bitty blocked his face through the entire ordeal. And somehow had them running for their lives before the end of it.

Now, I wasn't there for it (unfortunately), but the last dozen times I have seen him he was wearing the same shirt. Or, he has an entire closet full of shirts that say "LIFT OR DIE" in bold, size 600 font, on the front of them.

I'm not sure if these muggers could read, or if they didn't see his six foot wing span, AKA the width of his shoulders, but Bitty, retarded or not, is not a man to fuck with.

I'm pretty sure all three of those muggers picked up a few job applications that day.

Thanks for setting them straight Bitty!...

Got Balls?

Sebastian - dude.. you would do it if there was 25k in front of you
Me - fuck no, all sorts of weird shit starts happening to you
Sebastian - like winning the tor de france 7 times

Summer Bucket List

1) Smoke a fatty
2) Sky diving
3) Ride the tricycle
4) Take hip hop classes
5) Cruise to the bahamas
6) Road trip... to somewhere
7) Spend a day/night in Arlington
8) Rock climb a 5.11b
9) Be able to once again bench 225
10) Be able to do a one handed handstand
11) Win the lottery/marry a rich girl
12) Day drink in 3 random cities
14) Visit California
15) Get a sweeeeet tatoo
16) Smoke a cigar and pretend to like it

Homeless Dude Awareness Month

Where do homeless guys go? After the sun sets they seem to disappear.

My guess is coinstar. Yes, it's worth paying the 9.8% processing fee to not have to deal with those pushy bank tellers.

"Do you have an account with the bank?"..

No, because I like sex, and I wouldn't want to have it anymore because I'd get so frequently fucked by your overdraft fee's. Bank's ruin sex for me.



Women cant drive... that's it... I just want everyone to know where I stand on this issue...

Cinco De The Night Everyone Makes Terrible Decisions And Blames It On Tequila

Good job Mexico you got something right! A real go getter country, they produce our finest bus boys, dishwashers, hotel maids, shitty weed, and a place you can vacation if you don't mind the cross fire and having your family kidnapped.

So, here is to you Mexico! Salud!

I will drink to your quasi glorious victory over a French army! Wait, let me guess, they retreated? Right?

Oh hold on, I've just been informed by the French Generals, they don't like Mexico and were planning on leaving anyways... Oh well, let's drink!

SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS!!!

9 Out of 10 Dentists Agree, Life Is Good

Dentists make too much money. The hygienist does all the work. He just comes into the uncomfortably small room for 5 seconds, stabs me in the mouth, and leaves. No please come back, I like to cuddle after I've been fucked in the mouth!

And even though the dental hygienist is usually hot, he takes every ounce of satisfaction I might get from that by blinding me with a flood light 2 feet from my corneas.

Then my insurance company and I stand side by side, bend over, and smile while he anally penetrates us, using the bill as a condom.

It's no wonder the suicide rate in that industry is so high...

Tough life...

Caution: Don't Read

Had to take my friend to an abortion clinic. Not my favorite way to spend a Tuesday morning, but who wants to sleep in when they can be active in helping to lower the crime rate and increase our city's standardized test scores.

As I was walking up the stairs to the entrance. I could not help but think, wow, what a horrible idea. Not the abortion, but this business model. Who puts an abortion clinic on the third floor of anything? Are they trying to lose business, this stair case should be padded. 300 dollars, or 18 steps? that’s not a difficult decision... If you cant afford condoms I know you aren't exactly wiping your ass with benjamins… you know how many 40’s and New Ports that could buy you... or your fetus’s daddy?

We’ll chalk it up to an accident (second one this month, not like you’re unfamiliar with that term, get to falling)

Just do it right, I'd hate for you to have to explain to junior why his head has a dent in it and his speech slurs..

I hope they have a suggestion box... install elevators...

Drunk

Why does Bob Barker give a shit if my dog get’s knocked up.. You should be worrying about the stupid frat boys on your show reproducing, not my collie… Stop wasting my time, they don’t know what a Cabang mahogany dresser costs, they shopped at Ikea for the two pieces of furniture in their dorm room. Get them to bid on condoms and the morning after pill, a case of natural, something on their level Bob…

That’s why hazing is so great… I hate that schools have started to step in on this, putting an end to what was left of natural selection… When we're lucky, it kills off a few of them… seriously needed population control, If you’re going to drink your own pee to impress a bunch of guys you hardly know, I really wonder what kind of contributions you’re going to make to society…

I can flip my own burgers…