First The Toilet Seat, Now This?

Why do I have to hold the door for you?

Chivalry is long dead, and before I get maced to death by feminists, let me clear something up: this message is for everyone!

Now, I'll hold the door for my date, call me old fashion... But I'm trying to get laid.

However, our social standards for door holding have gotten out of control. Sebastian and I almost got knifed at a Five Guys yesterday, and our only crime was that we walked through a threshold.

A fat stubby old lady who obviously hates herself, this world, and all of its wonderful creatures was about to walk out of said Five Guys as we were making our approach. We made it to the door first, which in any normal race would be considered a win, but instead of recognition and trophies, we got a "hey fuck you" glare as we walked in the Five Guys letting the door swing shut behind us. Sorry we forgot to roll out the red carpet and valet your car, but we are hungry and we don't give a shit about you... at all... Why didn't your loving troll of a husband dive in front of the 7 foot tall revolving pane of glass and steel to protect you from having to lift your flabby arms past your mouth?

He may care about her, but 2 slices of cow fat on a kaiser roll wins this fight every single time!

If she and a Five Guys cheeseburger were both hanging by my arms dangling thousands of feet above a rocky basin and absolutely certain guaranteed death. And I could easily pull them both up, saving both her life and the Five Guys cheeseburger...

I would quickly let go of her just in time to catch that one sauteed mushroom that always breaks loose from the burger when you pick it up for that first life changing bite!

And I would sleep just fine that very night.

Moral of the story: Eat more Five Guys! Fat girls are overrated...