If It Weren't For All The Dumb Sluts And Alcohol

Professor: [makes a point]
Me: [rasies hand, gets called on, makes BETTER counter point that doesn't involve psychology...]
Professor: [blank stare] "this is not a psychology class"
Me: "good point"

I've never taken a finance class. First day of class and I have already shut down my dumb twat of a professor. I couldn't really tell from her witty and "on point" comeback, but I think she likes me.

It would be nice if professors actually knew what they were talking about. When you teach a lecture on true value versus perceived value you should probably know what both of those things mean and not just copy and paste a Wikipedia page into a PowerPoint presentation ten minutes before class starts.

College is the most worthless institution in the world. It is structured entirely wrong for what this decade has come to offer us. Information was at one point scarce. The teacher had the information, and the value of college was instilled in the presentation of this information, and the value of a college graduate was in his ability to memorize and utilize this information.

With the creation, development, and massive growth of the internet you can get everything a college education offers for $29.99 a month. ($99 a month if you want the television and phone package, but let's be real)

If you ask me a question I could probably get you the answer in three minutes give or take a minutes (my computer may be turned off). Information is so abundant these days that I have to ask: where is the real value in college?

I am a believer in education not college. The ability to learn is the greatest gift granted to mankind, and to squander that gift is a fool's mistake, but our system is backwards. College has become a business, and a pool of sexually transmitted diseases, not a place of learning.

Do not take me the wrong way. I love college, but more for the giant state supported brothel that is a college campus. And as long as I am in college I can go to bars every night of my life, drink as much alcohol I want straight from a keg and no one can tell me I have a problem. However, sinking myself into an abyss of debt just doesn't seem worth it.

Everyday I sit in classes with professors that I know are only there because they "couldn't do". The only people who want to teach are kindergarten teachers, because they "love kids", and who doesn't want a job where nap time is encouraged. College professors are the wide majority that "couldn't do" so they teach. Why would I ever want to pay top dollar so that I can learn from the worst of the best?

We need a structure that supports learning fundamental skills that strengthen our ability to gather information then interrupt, analyze, present, and utilize this information. What is the difference between me and a chemistry major once we graduate? It's simple. I have read more finance text books than him and he has read more chemistry textbooks.

Oh, and I had sex with girls, while he did their homework. Anyways, the smartest people I know never went to college. College does not make you smart. It's the ability to gather and work with data and information mixed with ambitions that sets people apart.

The richest and most successful people I know never went to, or dropped out of college. Just something to think about...

It's already noon and I haven't had anything to drink yet, got to run!

Having a Girlfriend in College Sucks... Other Guys

"So i have a boyfriend now, and i hate that i'm texting this, buttt i want you and not him. Kind of abrupt? hahah i'm sorry."

What a way to polish off my Tuesday night.

The problem with women, well one problem with women, is they try and control men with sex. Which leads to a conflict of interest between the two parties. Women tend to:

1) Rope guys in by dangling their vagina on some metaphorical fishing pole as you chase them, keeping the prize just out of reach. They're smart in realizing people only want what they can't have. If they like you they will hold out until you commit, date them, and ultimately become their bitch. If you're an asshole, they'll probably just fuck you and be on their way. This is my stop, all nice guys stay on the bus and move right along to number 2.

2) Once they have you on lock down (what most people call dating) if they want to push things to the next level (being "serious" - possible candidate for marriage) you'll get just about as much as you want. You don't even have to set your alarm clock, she'd be happy to felate your morning wood as soon as the sun rises. This gives the wrong impression, onto number 3.

3) Marriage - the absence of sex. They have you sign legally binding documents that make you the biggest douche bag in the world if you even have thoughts about another women.

See how it works? No sex to as much as sex as you want to no sex at all.

When I pursue a girl, I try not to move past phase one. The problem is sometimes girls find me interesting. Want me to commit to phase two, and the battle of "who can hold out the longest" begins. This is where my rule of 3 and 2 comes in. Unfortunately I can't reveal that, it could be too much power in the wrong hands.

The funny part about this conflict though is it really only makes them want me more. Anyone can do this too. Act as aloof as possible and you'll look like heroine to a recovering drug addict.

I knew this girl would not have sex with me unless I was her boyfriend and to be quite frank she was not the brightest crayon in the box. She definitely was nothing special. I hung out with her, but acted pretty uninterested. Mostly because I was.

My point is don't lock yourself down to one girl, unless she has that "wow factor" that I have yet to find. At least while you're in college. You miss out on a ton of fun. The next time that gorgeous girl sitting across from you at the library gives you a sexy wink... you'll know what I mean.

And who knows the girl that sent me that text last night could be YOUR girlfriend...

What This Country Needs More Than a New President

Natural selection is insurance against a species extinction. A few slow, stupid, deformed creatures have to perish, but all in all its for the greater good. They understand.

We are a diluted species, still nothing can kill us. We are impervious to anything this world can throw our way. Even if you were above us on the food chain a few million years ago, you can forget about the sweet taste of human flesh. Even our sickest, weakest, and dumbest can probably still operate a fire arm, or at least lock their door.

This country needs an intervention. I stumbled upon this realization while I was driving through Delaware yesterday. Place looked like a trailer park that got way to big so they made it a state. It's a paradise for all the white trash that couldn't stand paying Maryland sales tax and got tired of looking at people who had two story houses.

I suddenly felt bleak and depressed by the fact that these people not only exist, they can vote!

Then it hit me like 3 pounds of pure uncut cocaine. This country needs a zombie epidemic! It takes wit, ingenuity, and a 32 inch waist to survive a zombie outbreak, and I saw none of that while I was in Delaware.

Since raw Darwinism isn't quite working anymore we have to resort to Natural Selection 2.0

That might get messy... Let's just impeach Obama...

The Older You Are, The Harder They Fall

I noticed something the other day. It's rather obvious and a really well known fact of life, however, I feel like it helps explain a lot of what has been happening to me lately.

Girls love older men.

Women look for security in and about their relationships. Older men are able to provide that security. Lucky for us, it is all relative, and case by case. 18 year old girls love guys who can buy beer, has a nice job (in this case he might manage a snowball stand or "model" for Hollister), and access to a car. But as they get older, and let's take my age for example (22), they start searching for someone with more conventional wealth. A nicer car, promising job at Morgan Stanley, and a sweet pad will do the trick. These are things 25 or 26 year olds are sporting. Not me.

I always wondered why it was so difficult for me to break girls my age but every 18 or 19 year old I hooked up with couldn't resist me. I know I'm charming, but shit, have some self respect.

My friend's mom of all people brought it together for me. I always complained about how hard it was for me to get action from all the bars in town. I mean I pull it off, but some girls look at me like I told them I have full blown aids when they hear I haven't graduated from college yet. I'm barely 22, if that makes me a horrible person wait until you hear a few of my other stories.

When I'm 25 it won't even be fair, resistance will be futile, but for now it's an uphill climb. If I want an easy go, I have two options. Any single woman over 30 or any girl under 19.

Women over 30 are already established and have the security they need to live a "comfortable life". Either they have a steady job, a good career, or they divorced their first/second/third husband and get floated a fat check every month. When they go to bars they are looking for a "good time", they would use match.com if they were looking for anything serious. They know that men in their early 20's can't control themselves and are slaves to the copious hormones coursing through their bodies. We become an easy target.

Girls under 19 are just dumb. I don't have acne, I go to the gym a few times a week, I own my own business, and I have a car. Plus, I can buy beer, huge bonus right there. I go to any high school party I will always, as long as Robert Pattinson doesn't show up, have my pick of the litter.

Probably should watch out for Justin Bieber as well.

So Deep in The Closet I'm Having Adventures in Narnia

I was about to go to sleep, but I'm trying to keep up with writing everyday.

I was on the phone talking to my best friend today. Since I moved back up north, we usually talk about 6 times a day, keeping each other posted on everything we see, hear, smell, or do without each other. Most "best friends" get to a point where they complete each other's sentences, we straight up read each other's thoughts before they even start to develop into sentences.

People get weirded out by this. Fuck them, they're jealous.

The other day we were at lunch with two of our other friends. The waitress was taking forever, so I started thinking about something, off in my own world. As much as I like to be the center of attention and the energy of the group sometimes my mind wanders. I was searching for a word. For the life of me I could not figure it out and since I didn't actually care enough to Google it on my iPhone, I contracted help from the rest of the group,

Me - "what's the... bead calculator they..."
Sebastien - "abacus"

That's not the impressive part. The other two stared at me from across the table waiting for me to complete my thought. Then without any effort Sebastien (my best friend's alias) casually completed the entire thought for me,

"The waitress is taking forever so he's thinking she is probably using an abacus to split up all the checks"

If this did not happen every day of my life I would have chalked it up to a luck shot.

Bitches come and go... Sebastien is everlastn'

A Great Way to Lose Weight, If You're Not Already Fat

What have I been wasting my time in bars for?

I just got into rock climbing earlier this summer. At first I sucked. It was less of me climbing and more of someone using a pulley system to hoist me until I was dangling 50 feet in the air. Which is kind of gross because I had 105 pound girls scaling right past me.

I'll die in a grease fire before I let a girl be better than me at anything.

I kept at it and in a matter of just a few visits back to the wall I was ok. I did not completely suck which I'm told was progress.

I slowly started to realize rock climbing is the perfect sport. Why? Oh, its so simple.

Fat people can't climb! By people I mean girls. And by can't I mean I don't want you to. I invite all the fat guys in the world to attempt to rock climb, I'll get a good laugh when you fall and your fat ass looks like a wrecking ball coming in for the final blow. Maybe you'll dent the wall and leave a nice feature I can use next time I climb and make it more than 4 feet off the ground. Too bad you didn't make it to the top, that's where I put all my left over bacon cheeseburgers.

Enough of that, I'm being mean.

You only see cut sexy girls at the wall. Hour glass bodies without the I'm-a-huge-twat-who-has-a-personality-about-as-fake-as-my-tits sort of attitude. Which is nice, because even girls that are nice to look at usually end up being difficult to talk to. That's why I find it so hard to be friends with girls. Not because I just want to bang them, but they say the dumbest things and I feel like the only way to get them to shutup is to stick my dick in one of their holes. People call it sex, I call it making the best out of my situation.

However, through some stroke of luck these girls found a hobby, which means they know how to talk about something besides how their last boyfriend/hookup/dude they thought was a "nice guy" just fucked their best friend.

Keep that self esteem low girls

The Best/Worst/Drunkest Year of my Life

I lived with three girls for a year. Probably the most confusing, exciting, and drunk year of my life.

When I was renting a house out for what should have been my junior year of college I decided to change things up a bit. I had always lived with guys. Guys that were disgusting, lacking self esteem, and pretty much just smoked a lot of pot.

I figured girls were different. And if they weren't I could at least alleviate some of the stress by having sex with them.

So, I went on my school's website, clicked on the housing section and found tons of students looking for places to live for the year. I, one by one, facebooked the entire list and arranged them by physical appearance. Screw you, if you think I am shallow. I am going to have to look at my roommates and see their stupid faces for an entire year. I want them to be easy on the eyes.

I finally selected two and went with it. The third was a referral from a girl I hooked up with in D.C. She sounded energetic on the phone, but when I saw her facebook profile picture I immediately purchased a separate fridge to put my food in. I stuck her in the basement and the other two girls upstairs with me. I took the master because I'm stronger than them and I really left them no choice.

At first it was great. We all got drunk together, I hooked up with one, ended up fucking the other. And let me tell you, there is nothing better than being about to beat off. Looking at the room across the hall. Knocking on the door, and immediately be greeted with a "want to fuck?".

Then things got complicated. A love triangle formed.

The one I was fucking started to "have feelings for me"
The one I wasn't fucking started to "have feelings for me"
I had "feelings" (or as I like to call it, my moment of weakness) for the latter bitch

I guess that is less of a triangle and more of a poorly designed bi-pod, but I digress.

However, human nature is what it is. As soon as I broke things off with the girl I was fucking (let's call her Jess) to be with the girl I was not fucking (let's call her Bertha, only because I currently hate her) she started to act weird. She did not want a relationship or sex and the only time I could have fucked her ended with me being a nice guy and we all know how that story goes (hint: last place).

DUMB.

So Jess ends up punching a wall, and I end up taking her to the ER, and my fucktastic time is over. Bertha (don't let the fake name fool you, she was pretty hot) ruined one of the greatest things I had going for me. I had gotten to a point where masturbation was obsolete, but she had to be a jealous twat. Don't get me wrong, I love it when girls fight over me, but all I was left with in the end was a hole in my wall, and a giant pair of blue balls.

I hope she contracts guanherpesiphaids (A combination of the STDs guanaria, herpes, siphallis and aids)

Stop Talking.. You Sound Stupid

There is one thing you never want to get into an argument with me over, and that would be food. Whether it is "who is going to get the last slice", "why do you fold your pizza in half", or "do you really only make pizza references?". It's asking for trouble. I won't hesitate to deliver a solid kidney shot straight to your front porch.

Get the image of the typical overweight untrimmed narcissist American out of your head. I'm 6'2", 185 pounds, and I have a gym membership card attached to my key chain. (On second thought, I'm super narcissistic)

I just love to cook. Besides helping me get laid, its a skill that makes my food taste like an orgasm on the beach and I have come to perfect it. Life would not be worth living without food.

Which is exactly why I went off on a girl today who insulted one of the most perfect culinary creations of all time: the chicken wing

Me - [mentions all you can eat wing night]
Girl - OMG. I want wings!!! As long as they are boneless. I love wings!!!
Me - Boneless?!? thats blasphemy.. You don't like wings (delicious, tender, and deep fried to perfection). You are thinking of chicken nuggets (processed garbage coated in stale bread crumbs).
Girl - You can get boneless wings. I get them at Buffalo Wild Wings. I don't like the bones because I don't like dark meat. I also don't like the bloody veins or whatever. Eww. And, the boneless are easier to eat!!
Me - There is no such thing. Since your mother obviously thought it was okay to put Jack Daniels in your bottles, I'll try and make this simple for you.

Logic:
Chickens have wings
All wings have bones in them
Chicken wings have bones

Chicken nuggets are glorified chicken wings. They disguise themselves in wing sauce and try to live up to the magnificent miracle of life that is the chicken wing. I am clever enough to not get suckered by their deceitful games..

She'll be lucky if I put out tonight..