"Seriously... Who takes a shit at a bar?!" -- And The Other Unwritten Laws of Barmanship

Bars have an unwritten law about them. A sort of vigilante justice is displaced upon those who throw off the balance of peace and order that is spread about the world of debachary and good times.

Those who break these laws are subject to minor consequences such as constant baration for their crimes, and can reach the severity of a border line curb stomping for those who neglect to respect the code of inebriation.

List of Offenses:

Taking a shit at a bar -- We can't all be professionals, but novice and experienced drinkers alike need to add intestinal cleansing to their pre-bar checklist. Or maybe even the pre-shower checklist, depending on what you had for lunch that day. Everytime I see someone dropping their friends off at the pool in my local bar I make sure to take a peak under the stall door, and take note of their shoes so I know who to give the "I know what you did 10 minutes ago, so don't fuck with me" smirk.

"Girl's night out" -- Sense this makes: -1.7% If you want to have a night out with just the girls then don't dress like Kansas City hookers and parade around in stiletto heels. If you think hanging out at a bar and ignoring guys is a swell idea, we would greatly appreciate it if you didn't and stay home, put on some sweats, look gross, and dance around your living room. Why are you going to pay $8 a drink when you could drink that box of wine in your fridge at home for a fraction of the cost? Oh right, You're a whore!

Giving a bartender change back -- If you're going to be a cheap ass stay home and drink by yourself. Despite what you might think, bartenders don't like working for free.

God gave you a liver, now give it something to do! -- Don't ever order a drink that is more than one color or has any sort of nutritional value to it (AKA fruit). If you need to borrow my balls while you order a scotch, too bad. (Bluemoon is the only exception)

Staring at a girl for more than 3 seconds -- Don't be a creep, I've been guilty of this offense a few more times than I like to admit, but it was back in my younger years when alcohol actually worked, and I'd black out. What felt like 3 seconds was actually minutes, so it was really an honest mistake.

You're turning me down already? I said "hi" -- Contrary to what you may think, you probably aren't hot enough to have that much dignity, at least smile and entertain me for a little while. Hell, who knows, maybe I will think you're interesting enough to let you sleep with me.

Thinking you have a shot that doesn't go in a glass -- You don't. Flirting with the bartender is a waste of your time. They want your money, that's the only reason they put up with the stories of your pathetic life. Besides, if the only friend you have at the bar is the bartender who only pretends to like you for a dollar here or there then your life isn't worth talking about.

Wow, that was lamer than your Aeropostle polo -- If you have trouble starting conversations with strangers and you have to resort to the black art of pick up lines then save yourself some time and money and just stick to blowing up girl's facebook walls telling them how pretty they are (And get really good at masturbation). It's a lot less awkward for all parties involved.

Things that straight up turn me on:

Fermented flavors, distilled to perfection -- I use to be one of them, the guy that leans into the bartender so that no one else can hear you pop the question... "so, what are the specials tonight". Get a job and stop ordering lite beer in a can! Impress the fuck out of your adoring audience and valiantly order yourself a gentleman's drink, scotch on the rocks, and give a pass on the gentle man's drink.

Girls that know how to kick it -- The shoes we wear are a proclamation of how we are mentally planning out our night. Girls that wear flip flops are trying to tell you they have a boyfriend, girls in flats are probably open to talk to you, but are usually the ones that like to take it slow, heels scream fuck me, and the classy girls in a nice pair of kicks just says "fuck the world, I'm here to have fun and I'm ready to run from the cops if need be, I'm ready for anything, bring it on!". And I don't have to drive you home in the morning, go for a jog and work off those empty calories from the night before. The jog of shame is a great way to sweat out all that guilt.

Fire! -- I'm a slight pyro at heart, so anytime I see an ample amount of fire while I'm drinking I tend to lose it! A bar downtown use to have a bartender that would blow fire balls sporadically using a bit of Barcardi 151 and a lighter. Needless to say I would get a little giddy.

Me Scotch on the rocks please!
Bartender Wait, what?
Me Scotch, you have that here?
Bartender Yeah, I'm just impressed
Me Yeah, I get that all the time

"Seriously... who takes a shit at a bar?!" -Kdubs...