Life Lessons --

Everyday you learn something. It's a matter of noticing the dumb shit you do, not doing it the next day, and hence improving the quality of life.

Lesson for September 14th, 2011
1.) Whenever something is free the shit it's tied to always sucks.
2.) Handicap "friendly" doors are harder to open than normal doors, and when you try to open them manually you usually look pathetic, especially if you didn't realize they were handicap "friendly" doors to begin with.
3.) When you hold a door for someone and they are more than 3 steps behind you it gets awkward fast. Whatever you do, don't make eye contact.

Trust me...

Can't Win Them All -- ....Or Any

God damnit... Now I have to get a job...

A Real Man's "To Do" List -- To Hell With The Dry Cleaning

It's time to start filling your to-do list with errands you look forward to. Why pick your kids up from soccer practice? Mia Hamm can do a sweet bicycle kick, and when she gets sweaty it won't fuck up the leather in your Porsche Carrera (which is what you drive when you don't have children). And who wants to wash the car when Megan Foxx is already waxed and ready to go?

So what if I am dreaming. Reality sucks and if, to avoid being labeled as an alcoholic, I have to wait until 5 everyday to pour my first glass of scotch, then I'm going to help myself to a big fat glass of fantasy juice. Join me or fuck off!

1.) Taylor Swift -- This is my dream girl. As the wise Usher once said the best kind of woman is a "lady in the street, but a freak in the bed". She is obviously a passionate girl, and I would bet my bottom love story that Taylor knows how to make a man forget about all the skanks who got drunk enough to want to sleep with you in your college days. But in all seriousness, my favorite type of a girl is one you can bring home to Mom, that is... if she puts down her cigarette and miller lite bottle long enough to have a conversation. But I digress.

2.) Isabel Lucas -- Any girl that can get on Michael Bay's roster is ok in my book. Replacing his stud QB, Foxx, the rookie Isabel was bumped up to the first string, and Bay has never looked back. And you can't blame him, toe thumbs are gross! Isabel Lucas was an easy choice for the number two slot, keep it up girl, being hot seems to be working out for you!

3.) Mila Kunis -- It's time to put That 70's Show behind us. We all had an awkward phase, and I can't hold that against her. This girl (after a little plastic surgery) grew into her own, and once she ditched that Kelso loser, who reminded me of every guy in high school that I wanted to euthanize for the betterment of society, she got super hot. And bronze is definitely her color, taking the LTANP 3rd place medal.

Got to get started. A daunting to-do list indeed, but hey I'm awesome, I can't say that I'm worried...

He's Acting Like An Idiot -- And She Likes It Because She's A Whore

In a relationship most people tend to get lazy, stop giving a shit, and end up looking like a greasy, fat, disgusting version of something that ate their old self. Being interesting and suave becomes about as foreign to you as Chinese and you look like a drunk Russian pedophile every time you try and "bust one of your moves". So, being that I finally tunneled my way into prison and found a girl I want to spend more than 3 days of my life with, I try and exercise my awesome muscle and still go out to parties and mingle with the "cool kids", to avoid becoming the overly dependent commitment junkie I have nightmares about.

However, the party that I walked head first into the other night only made me realize how much I love being myself (seriously, my self respect is at an all time high right now). I got invited to a "party" by one of Girlfriend's friends and as the three of us walked up the staircase to his apartment, I almost choked on the stench of what smelled like Indian food and marijuana. We hear loud music coming from apartment D voiding the need to double check the address, and we just walk in. However, it seems as if no one is there.

We investigate further to find about six or so bro's playing beer pong on what looks like a table they fashioned out of a door and some old kegs. They macgyver'd the shit out of the entire party, with the only place to sit being a cabinet they turned on it's side. A few girls show up as the night progresses, but what was suppose to be a party turned out to be a lightly veiled booty call. The (one other) girl that showed up only brought her friend so she wouldn't look like a loser walking in alone, and was obviously just there to "get some" from one of the members of the apartment, that should have been condemned as a brothel.

As the night went on, the girl's target became apparent. And he was by far the dumbest of the bunch. I figure if players, the whores of manhood, target dumb girls with daddy issues, why wouldn't whores, the players of womanhood, target the dumbest guys they could find with mommy issues. It sort of made sense.

But, besides chalking it up to "hey, I could do worse" I could not explain the attraction between these two parties at all. The girl was average and the guy was a moron... at best... He looked "slimy", as Girlfriend described him, as we hung out perched in the corner, mercilessly judging everyone.

The dude had, and I did the math on this, enough grease in his hair to kill eight baby seals, was wearing an Abercrombie button down but with the sleeves cut off, which I am pretty sure he freshly cut off sometime during the events of the evening using only his sharp wit and brute strength. His cum/beer/piss stained athletic shorts, which have probably never been washed or been used to do anything athletic (only judging from the lite-beer belly), went great with the rest of his outfit. Sizing him up against his friends, they went on to prove you are the company you keep, and all of them spent, only God truly knows how long, fist pumping, doing exaggerated uncoordinated movements that somewhat resembled dancing, and spilling Natural light all over their apartment.

HOW DO THESE PEOPLE LIVE WITH THEMSELVES?!?

Call me whatever you want, but I prefer some awesome conversation, having an adventure you proudly tell your friends about the next day, good beer, and people who know how to formulate sentences that don't substitute periods for "brooooo".

Anyone with me?...