You see kids, the universe has a sense of humor, and it's hard not to notice it sometimes.
Your Uncle Sebastian got his ear pierced during the summer of 2011 and I mocked him relentlessly for getting only one ear pierced. I told him he looked like a fag/off-balanced and he needed to correct this bit immediately unless he wanted dudes to start fucking him in the ear.
He said he would get his other ear pierced on one condition. I got my ear pierced too. I agreed to the arrangement after he trapped me in the piercing shop, but I agreed nonetheless. Getting both my ears pierced as it should be.
Life was great. We both had pierced ears, great additudes on life, and we were pulling more tail than a 6 year old at a petting zoo. Well, I was anyways. Sebastian at the time kept getting caught up over two girls. Flake and Studybuddy. More on StudyBuddy later, Flake is the focus of my disdain at the moment...
As I was telling this story to one of my coworkers the other day I had him on the floor pissing his pants, so I figured it would be worth sharing with you.
I was sitting slouched in a chair next to a sink, moaning, grasping my side as if my arms were the only things holding my guts together, trying not to die at work.
The coworker I was just telling you about walks up with an enormously stupid grin on his face to inquire as to why I was feeling a bit sick/about to die.
Coworker "Tell me there is a story behind this and you aren't just about vomit in the sink for no reason whatsoever."
Me "Alright I'm going to tell you this story, then I'm going to the fucking ER"
Let me take you back the night before where I had gone out to the bar with Clark. (Clark also worked with us and was gifted such a name since he was a spitting image of pre-phone booth Superman. I came up with a better nick name for him, Murphy, after finding out he had like 15 screws and a couple metal plates in his leg. It pissed him off, so I ran with it.)
"Murphy bar after work"
"Im in"
We are walking to the bar and my phone rings. Flake is calling. Flake is, in short, a girl that Sebastian was suppose to fuck on several occasions, but Flake ended up staying in to eat Ben n' Jerry's, watch Grey's Anatomy or some other Lifetime bullshit and thus earning the name Flake. Which is not just a fake name I use for the purpose of protecting her identity in this blog, for she doesn't deserve that grace from me, that is what I actually call her.
"Hey Flake"
"Heyyyy.. I'm drunk, let's meet up somewhere"
"I'm in Towson, look for the hot guy in the V-neck, bye"
I hang up, and figured I might as well text Sebastian, he had gone to bed, but hey it's the least I could do.
"Hey I'm going to seduce Flake, If you're ok with this just don't respond"
I head off to the bar and unfortunately know everyone there. I head straight to the back of the bar with Murphy, and Flake shows up.
Flake "Hey did you get your ears pierced"
Me "No shit"
Flake thinks one earring looks smaller than the other, and yanks on my freshly pierced ears.
Her dirty skanky college slut bar hands end up all over my ears, and the fresh wound that was her doing. Billions of bacteria/virus's/bar germs rush into my bloodstream as I shudder half from the pain and half because of how stupid she is.
The next morning I wake up and my ear looks like a gorilla's ballsack and is swollen enough that my earring actually was swallowed up by my ear lobe.
I feel so incredibly drained and sick, I go to the doctor. I call Sebastian, Sebastian does not pick up. Shit maybe he actually gave a shit about Flake. I'm too drained to think about anything but vomit though.
I'm at the doctors and she stabs me in the face for an hour and finally removes the earring. I go home and try to sleep it off. Doesn't work. I feel worse. I run to the bathroom and take the most ferocious shit of my life. My leg actually ends up twisting as I literally empty my entire intestinal tract in one bowel movement. I start to vomit, then realize how terrible the logistics of the combination of those two events would be and refrain myself. It gets worse though.
This literally continues for two days, and I still try and go into work, drink afterwards, and be me. That's probably why it got worse...
Now I'm at work, this is far from an awesome experience for me, I'm off to the ER.
I parted with my co-worker and the same thing happens just as before, expect in the ER's bathroom. Another shit to end all shit's, it must have sounded like Harold Camping's end of the world predictions were finally coming true, for when I emerged from the bathroom panting, the only other person in the waiting room stared at me like she just saw me choke a retarded puppy to death.
I was diagnosed with something I cant pronounce, but all in all I couldn't eat any real food for a few days. After the whole ordeal ended I had to have the earring in the infected ear removed, I made peace with Sebastian, Sebastian found the irony in that fact that he now had two earrings and I was stuck with but one, I lost ten pounds, and when I could finally eat again the first thing I went for was a delicious Five Guys burger, and I chased it down with a Chipotle Burrito.
Life is good again...
And that is the story of how I ended up with one earring, and your Uncle Sebastian with two...
Thanks universe...
Air wick is stupid. As much as we all know what goes on when someone spends more than 2 minutes in a bathroom, no one wants to advertise that they are dropping their friends off at the pool. 
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