A Comprehensive Guide On How To Kick 2012 In The Asshole -- And Why You Are The Shit!

Repeat after me... "I am the shit, I am the shit, I am the shit"... Make that your mantra every morning when you first awake. Live by it, breathe those words in as if it were the air you needed to function. This very act will change your life if you can make yourself believe what you are saying. Those 4 simple words changed me for the better and I have not looked back.

The reason this post came about, besides the dawn of a new year, was because I fell astray for a while and noticed a quality of life drop. This drop led me to notice a few changes in my life that were the culprit and hence are the ingredients to a mediocre/shit life. This was sort of an accidental experiment and proved to teach me a valuable lesson on how people come to suck so much at life.

This misadventure began when my friend introduced me to a video game he had been playing for some time. I use to play a lot of video games but that was when I didn't know how to use my brain or dick and had very few aspirations in life. A dark time in my life, but it is all apart of where I am today so I accept them. At first, I refused to even look at the game. But it intrigued me as I was watching him play, and my natural competitive spirit, the testosterone driven one that all men possess, drove me to give it a try.

I was soon addicted and caught myself ducking out on my normal routine to play this game. Soon enough I was a solid player and was showing pretty strong improvement to the point where I could challenge some of the more seasoned players. The fact that I was distracted by colorful dots glowing on my computer monitor distracted me from what was truly happening.

But a month or so later I noticed a few changes were taking place. My wit was rapidly running dry, and to be honest I looked like shit. My usual routine of self betterment was broken into tiny shards. From a life where I would wake up before 9 led me to barely see the light of day before noon. Where I use to try and learn new things, read, and exercise I would find myself with mouse in hand. I could no longer look myself in the mirror and profoundly say "I am the shit". This sucked.

I stood a little less taller, and where I could usually hold a conversation with people put in a rather annoying and lacking position. People pick up on this sort of shit. It is very subtle but our subconscious can detect and pinpoint people's moods and general well being from very tiny clues. It is why we only need a few seconds to truly get to know someone and it is our subconscious interactions with one another that truly determines how we perform in our day to day lives.

It is such a powerful thing that everyone needs to take a second to understand. The "I am the shit" mantra is not just some voodoo bullshit. It is actually rather scientific means of handling life for the better.

Fuck you, yes it is.

There was an experiment performed on new recruits of what I believe was the Iraq army. The instructors and the recruits were both in the dark for this experiment. The instructors/drill sergeants/whatever the fuck you want to call them were given performance cards on each new recruit. The card was full of information on how well they did on academic tests, physical tests, and how well they were expected to do in their training. Each recruit fell into three categories which were something like "exceptional", "average", and "below average" expectancy. There was a catch though... Those report cards were entirely fake, and nothing on the card applied to the recruits at all.

Here is the crazy part: By the end of their training, the recruits who had the "above average" expectancy report cards randomly assigned to them outperformed the other recruits on both physical and academic tests. How is this possible? Well, that is simple... The instructors basically drilled "you are the shit" into the heads of the recruits that were expected to outperform the others. Either through their tone or body language. Whatever it was, it was very subtle, but their subconscious picked up on it and fed off of it.

So what conclusion can you draw from this? If you want to do well in life then do three things:

1.) Believe you are the shit, own those three words every day.
2.) Read a fucking book and learn something.
3.) Work out and look your best, whatever that means for you.

It is that simple. So get the fuck off facebook, stop playing farmville or whatever your vice is. The world is about to end and it is about time you start owning life!

Repeat after me... "I am the shit, I am the shit, I am the shit"...

I Propose a New Movement -- Occupy Occupy Wallstreet

You want more programs and free money? We are in an enormous deficit because we already have too many programs. Recently the government almost defaulted on it's debt because we hit the debt ceiling. If the US defaults on it's debt we are going to have a lot more issues than we have now.

The only way to get rid of a deficit like the 14+ trillion dollar one we have on our shoulders right now is one of two ways.. increase the inputs (raise taxes) or decrease the outputs (cut programs/spending). What will it be? .....

Sure, if we taxed the rich a little more it could pay (maybe) a hundred dollars more for a couple people on welfare, but I don't think that is a long term solution. What occupy wallstreet is calling for is known as communism. They are complaining about wealth inequality, but what our nation is built upon is the principal that if you work hard you make more money..... The top 1% is comprised mainly of doctors and lawyers, and being that the taxes in this country are based off percentages how are they being taxed less? In fact there is a bracket system in place so they are indeed being taxed more (a lot more).

I just dont get what is unfair, maybe I am misinformed.... But to me it just seems like we want this perfect society with lower taxes and more programs, but life is about give and take, am I wrong? We can't just print money. Yeah, the government is pretty screwed up, but occupy wall street is like that kid rolling on the ground kicking and screaming because he wants to go to Disney land right then and there when the family can barely pay their bills.

So here is what I propose...

Occupy Occupy Wallstreet: We sit on their tent and lean on their lean-to's until they realize that they are being whiny bitches. They need to realize all they are doing is hurting small businesses in the area and cramping the people who lived in the park before it was "cool" to be homeless. Maybe they will see how annoying they are, and how stupid it is to be fighting a cause with no solution. It is like the "war on drugs" or the "war on terror". It is just a suckers game, with no tangible end in sight.

Get a job you hippies... Hopefully Starbucks hasn't fired your sorry ass yet...

Babies Are Gross -- Except The Etrade Baby, He's Fucking Awesome!

Tasty's Facebook Rules to Live By #172 -- If you're pregnant, I de-friend you. You are not one of my 679 closest friends if you're overpopulating my Earth.

The lines at amusement parks are already too long!...

Need Inspiration to Hit The Gym? -- How About Justice?!

Paranormal Activity 3 comes out today, but because I am awesome, I got to see it last night. I had an extra pass and because the girlfriend was out of town I decided to play friend roulette. In search of someone to go with I updated my status about the advance screening passes, and within 14 seconds of posting the update I received this text message from Trainer, a friend of mine I use to work with:

Trainer Tasty!
Me What up dude
Trainer What time and where is the advanced screening I want to review it for my blog (oh yeah, she has a blog) and whatever happened with your cancer mole?

(side story: I have a large blue mole on my arm that she spotted while we were working together, and I refused to get it checked out with the defense that doctors are for rich people, and she got a petition with 100 signatures which pretty much forced me to dish out the copay, for who am I to ignore 100 adoring fans?)

Me Not cancer, happy?.. we would have to get there at 8, and since you got me 30 seconds after the post I still don't have anyone to go with, I know, huge shock, so you can tag along if you want
Trainer That was a total coincidence, it has nothing to do with the fact that I refresh your profile every 20 seconds
Trainer But yeah im in
Me That reminds me, Mark Zuckerberg wanted me to tell you to stop doing that, your freakish obsession with me is overlaoding the Facebook servers

Im not really into the Paranormal marathon hollywood is obsessed with, but I was really curious to see if they could really make the same movie 3 times in less than a few years. And I have not seen Trainer in a while, so that makes two birds.

We get to the movie, and find some nice open seats way in the back. I usually like to sit up near the front, but I let Trainer lead the way. She brought us up to the fourth row from the top, I think we sat next to an eagle's nest we were so high up, but I refused to care, for I was seeing Paranormal Activity 3.

All is well, until right before the movie started, the entire row in front of us fills with a group of people I could only assume to be terrible tippers.

Trainer and I look at each other.

Me I forgot to tell you, when I get scared I tend to frantically kick things in front of me
Trainer I have a very similar problem, but I just projectile vomit

We brace for what was going to be an entirely ok movie jam packed with "director commentary".

Of course, they talked the entire time. If they weren't talking about something that was obviously on screen, they were laughing at inappropriate moments. The 8 year old girl in the movie gets lifted in the air by her hair, and I felt like I missed some comedic element as the entire row of people in front of us started cracking up. Where is the humor in that? White children in pain isn't exactly a classic yet. (However, If Obama is reelected, you never know)

The somewhat fat older lady next to me even whipped out the passive-aggressive-white-person pissed-off-in-a-theater-move that works about 12% of the time, coughing very loudly twice.

I really wanted to try this move on them: Hey, could you please shut the fuck up? Thanks. It was not that I cared about the movie, but the old fat woman next to me did, and I wanted her to enjoy every bit of her life right up to the massive heart attack she could have at any moment triggered by clogged arteries and stress.

I was about to make my heroic move and save the theater and then I realized there were a lot more of them than there was of me. Which is fine, I don't think that every confrontation at the movies is going to lead to me getting curb stomped in the Lowe's parking lot (although it may, not sure), but I figured if I was big enough to maybe get away with taking out maybe two or three of their jaw bones before I got overrun they would take my shut the fuck up a little more seriously.

There needs to be some justice in this world, and therefore I'm hitting the gym again. I have been so busy with work, and cracked out on adderal that my only focus in life has been my job and school. Which has led me off of my prime and about 10 pounds later, I am not nearly as threatening as I use to be.

I'm not saying that if I had been hitting the gym on the regular I would been able to just punch one in the face every few minutes until they shut up, but I think being a physical threat is key if you are going to command any respect.

You think if Poland had asked nicely, that Germany would have just respected their country's borders? Nien! Germany would have laughed and talked through the entire movie. Now, if Poland said, he man, I have these tanks, and if you don't shut the fuck up, I'll blow you the fuck up. That might have averted an entire world war.

All I am saying is that the Poland's of the world need to start getting their fitness on...

Trainer is one of the actually funny people I know. She has a rare trait we like to call wit. As with everyone who grew up with a serious dysfunctional corner of their life and turned to humor to covertly disguise their grief, she knows how to make fun of a radically normal situation. I'll post a link to her blog soon.
The link as promised

Life Lessons --

Everyday you learn something. It's a matter of noticing the dumb shit you do, not doing it the next day, and hence improving the quality of life.

Lesson for September 14th, 2011
1.) Whenever something is free the shit it's tied to always sucks.
2.) Handicap "friendly" doors are harder to open than normal doors, and when you try to open them manually you usually look pathetic, especially if you didn't realize they were handicap "friendly" doors to begin with.
3.) When you hold a door for someone and they are more than 3 steps behind you it gets awkward fast. Whatever you do, don't make eye contact.

Trust me...

Can't Win Them All -- ....Or Any

God damnit... Now I have to get a job...

A Real Man's "To Do" List -- To Hell With The Dry Cleaning

It's time to start filling your to-do list with errands you look forward to. Why pick your kids up from soccer practice? Mia Hamm can do a sweet bicycle kick, and when she gets sweaty it won't fuck up the leather in your Porsche Carrera (which is what you drive when you don't have children). And who wants to wash the car when Megan Foxx is already waxed and ready to go?

So what if I am dreaming. Reality sucks and if, to avoid being labeled as an alcoholic, I have to wait until 5 everyday to pour my first glass of scotch, then I'm going to help myself to a big fat glass of fantasy juice. Join me or fuck off!

1.) Taylor Swift -- This is my dream girl. As the wise Usher once said the best kind of woman is a "lady in the street, but a freak in the bed". She is obviously a passionate girl, and I would bet my bottom love story that Taylor knows how to make a man forget about all the skanks who got drunk enough to want to sleep with you in your college days. But in all seriousness, my favorite type of a girl is one you can bring home to Mom, that is... if she puts down her cigarette and miller lite bottle long enough to have a conversation. But I digress.

2.) Isabel Lucas -- Any girl that can get on Michael Bay's roster is ok in my book. Replacing his stud QB, Foxx, the rookie Isabel was bumped up to the first string, and Bay has never looked back. And you can't blame him, toe thumbs are gross! Isabel Lucas was an easy choice for the number two slot, keep it up girl, being hot seems to be working out for you!

3.) Mila Kunis -- It's time to put That 70's Show behind us. We all had an awkward phase, and I can't hold that against her. This girl (after a little plastic surgery) grew into her own, and once she ditched that Kelso loser, who reminded me of every guy in high school that I wanted to euthanize for the betterment of society, she got super hot. And bronze is definitely her color, taking the LTANP 3rd place medal.

Got to get started. A daunting to-do list indeed, but hey I'm awesome, I can't say that I'm worried...