Paranormal Activity 3 comes out today, but because I am awesome, I got to see it last night. I had an extra pass and because the girlfriend was out of town I decided to play friend roulette. In search of someone to go with I updated my status about the advance screening passes, and within 14 seconds of posting the update I received this text message from Trainer, a friend of mine I use to work with:Trainer Tasty!
Me What up dude
Trainer What time and where is the advanced screening I want to review it for my blog (oh yeah, she has a blog) and whatever happened with your cancer mole?
(side story: I have a large blue mole on my arm that she spotted while we were working together, and I refused to get it checked out with the defense that doctors are for rich people, and she got a petition with 100 signatures which pretty much forced me to dish out the copay, for who am I to ignore 100 adoring fans?)
Me Not cancer, happy?.. we would have to get there at 8, and since you got me 30 seconds after the post I still don't have anyone to go with, I know, huge shock, so you can tag along if you want
Trainer That was a total coincidence, it has nothing to do with the fact that I refresh your profile every 20 seconds
Trainer But yeah im in
Me That reminds me, Mark Zuckerberg wanted me to tell you to stop doing that, your freakish obsession with me is overlaoding the Facebook servers
Im not really into the Paranormal marathon hollywood is obsessed with, but I was really curious to see if they could really make the same movie 3 times in less than a few years. And I have not seen Trainer in a while, so that makes two birds.
We get to the movie, and find some nice open seats way in the back. I usually like to sit up near the front, but I let Trainer lead the way. She brought us up to the fourth row from the top, I think we sat next to an eagle's nest we were so high up, but I refused to care, for I was seeing Paranormal Activity 3.
All is well, until right before the movie started, the entire row in front of us fills with a group of people I could only assume to be terrible tippers.
Trainer and I look at each other.
Me I forgot to tell you, when I get scared I tend to frantically kick things in front of me
Trainer I have a very similar problem, but I just projectile vomit
We brace for what was going to be an entirely ok movie jam packed with "director commentary".
Of course, they talked the entire time. If they weren't talking about something that was obviously on screen, they were laughing at inappropriate moments. The 8 year old girl in the movie gets lifted in the air by her hair, and I felt like I missed some comedic element as the entire row of people in front of us started cracking up. Where is the humor in that? White children in pain isn't exactly a classic yet. (However, If Obama is reelected, you never know)
The somewhat fat older lady next to me even whipped out the passive-aggressive-white-person pissed-off-in-a-theater-move that works about 12% of the time, coughing very loudly twice.
I really wanted to try this move on them: Hey, could you please shut the fuck up? Thanks. It was not that I cared about the movie, but the old fat woman next to me did, and I wanted her to enjoy every bit of her life right up to the massive heart attack she could have at any moment triggered by clogged arteries and stress.
I was about to make my heroic move and save the theater and then I realized there were a lot more of them than there was of me. Which is fine, I don't think that every confrontation at the movies is going to lead to me getting curb stomped in the Lowe's parking lot (although it may, not sure), but I figured if I was big enough to maybe get away with taking out maybe two or three of their jaw bones before I got overrun they would take my shut the fuck up a little more seriously.
There needs to be some justice in this world, and therefore I'm hitting the gym again. I have been so busy with work, and cracked out on adderal that my only focus in life has been my job and school. Which has led me off of my prime and about 10 pounds later, I am not nearly as threatening as I use to be.
I'm not saying that if I had been hitting the gym on the regular I would been able to just punch one in the face every few minutes until they shut up, but I think being a physical threat is key if you are going to command any respect.
You think if Poland had asked nicely, that Germany would have just respected their country's borders? Nien! Germany would have laughed and talked through the entire movie. Now, if Poland said, he man, I have these tanks, and if you don't shut the fuck up, I'll blow you the fuck up. That might have averted an entire world war.
All I am saying is that the Poland's of the world need to start getting their fitness on...
Trainer is one of the actually funny people I know. She has a rare trait we like to call wit. As with everyone who grew up with a serious dysfunctional corner of their life and turned to humor to covertly disguise their grief, she knows how to make fun of a radically normal situation. I'll post a link to her blog soon.
The link as promised
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