Time To Stock Up On Booze, Condoms, And Toilet Paper -- This Is Bullshit

A hurricane is coming, everyone panic! Quick! Hurry! Run to your nearest grocer and buy exuberant amounts of shit you normally buy, but make sure you look really really nervous in the checkout line.

In the midst of a catasphroic event, I doubt having 18 jars of peanut butter is going to be the reason you survive, but what do I know? I've only seen The Day After Tomorrow like 3 times, and you would feel incredibly stupid if I told you how many jars of peanut butter were featured in that movie!

And don't forget to stock up on toilet paper! It's gonna come in handy when 97mph winds sends a cow barreling through your front door and you shit your pants. Pansy.

Go find a clean pair of shorts, It's time to focus and learn a valuable life lesson. When God gives you a cow... you club it repeatedly over the head (because it's the humane thing to do), and make some delicious porterhouse steaks!

But I digress...

Fuck! The primary reason I live on the East coast is so I can still have a fighting chance of living out my dreams without having to bolt my furniture to the ground, or worry about waking up on some drift wood in the Pacific Ocean. I'm not cool with having to concern myself with the elements and the merciless wrath of God, for I piss that guy off on a daily basis.

But check this out... An earthquake and a hurricane are passing through my once safe little corner of the world in the span of a week. (lucky me!)

Just waiting on the 4 horseman now...

I Want To Be Retarded -- Helmet And Knee-pad Retarded

What a life it is to be retarded. And before I get crucified and cast into hell for that boisterous statement please hear me out.

I'm not talking about having a mental illness. I'm talking about straight up mental paralysis! I want to be so retarded people walk me around town, strapped to a little blue harness, wearing a helmet, drooling on my velcro shoes. I know you have no idea how that is suppose to be the rebuttal that will save my soul, but give me a few more minutes of your time.

Think about how complicated life is! We feel bad for people who have severe mental handicaps, I on the other hand envy them! Ignorance is truly bliss, and they are the Tom Bradys of BlissBall.

It is one thing to be given the curse of a good intellect and to waste it. But I would love just to slobber all over myself all day and have people pat me on the head for it, the government give me money for it, and doctors give me free drugs for it.

We the unfortunate members of society have to deal with real problems, and all the shit that entails. If we want drugs, we have to meet some shady guy in a dark alley behind Cosco, they get their drugs ground up in a smoothie for breakfast. If we want government support we have to go through a million interviews and fill out a dozen and a half forms, they have programs they pre-qualify for. We fuck up, we get yelled at until we unfuck shit up, and if you're retarded, people are just straight up afraid to be mean to you. The fear of burning in hell for eternity if you so much as giggle at the special Olympics indefinitely protects the mentally handicap.

I like keeping the bar low, and my perfectly functioning brain royally fucks that up for me...